Newfoundland Word For June!

Sleveen:

This is a word I heard my Granddad use often, and it is one of my favourite words in the Newfoundland dictionary. It means: "guileful fellow, a schemer, a trickster. A sly deceitful man; a mean fellow; rascal; a mischieyous child".

I have met a few of them in my time.

Sad news- Harvey Korman

When I was little, there was one show the entire family could agree on, The Carol Burnett Show. We would watch it together and laugh until our cheeks ached and our sides were sore. I must have been in repeats when we watched it because there were some shows we saw a million times; yet somehow it made us laugh like it was the first time. They were a talented bunch who worked well together. There has been nothing like it on television since.

Here was one of our favorite skits, funny in no small part to Harvey's dogged determination not to lose it completely on the set:

Still homeless

We put a bid on a home last week. A older home, one that has been on the market for 3 months, one that needs a new kitchen, all new appliances, new bathrooms, updated wiring, a new garage door, and new driveway pavement. Oh, and the basement had a leak we never did get full details on. Our agent (Frank) presented them with a figure and it was rejected soundly. Very soundly. Their faces dropped, and their eyes clouded with anger.

First they kicked Frank out of the house.

Then their own Real Estate Agent was tossed to the curb.

And there both agents sat for 45 minutes until the homeowners called them back in with an ultimatum: "We will only sell at this amount. Take it or leave it"

And so Frank left it.

"Aren't you going to call your people?" They asked his back.

"I don't need to." he replied. "They aren't going to pay that for a home in need of so much work." He left them slack jawed and angry.

"We're taking the house off the market!" They wailed.

You do that folks. Go right ahead. But I am not paying over $300,000 for a home that needs a minimum of $50,000 in work.

It is still on the market.

Our search goes on.

Signing it all away

Last Tuesday our house went on the MLS, and we had an offer last Wednesday night. House inspectors came over the weekend, found a few missing shingles and a small crack in the exterior basement wall. A small heart attack later, we discover the deal is still on, we just have to address those two problems before we close in September. We sign the papers tonight.

While I am very pleased our house is sold, and that worry is now out of the way, I am dismayed that we haven't found something we really want to buy.

It could be that I want the impossible.

I want a medium size house, on a lot that doesn't have my neighbors up my ass on all sides. Preferably a slightly older home that has been updated, separate rooms (screw open concept!) and a finished basement. Is that too much to ask?

I don't want a new home, as they are so poorly made here in Ontario. I swear they are slapped together overnight with glue, duct tape, matchsticks and a prayer. And they are built too close together! Some "detached" homes have just enough space between them to pass a lawnmower through- not that grass ever grows between houses right atop one another.

We don't want anything so old that it is in dire need of repair because Don and I have neither the time (we both work, and have a little guy) the talent (I take cover when Don grabs a screw driver) or the money for a fixer upper.

I am asking for the impossible. Sigh.

There is very little in the area we wish to buy that appeals to us. The one house that has potential is asking a nice chunk of dough for a home that has no appliances, needs a new kitchen, has dated bathrooms, and carpeting on the upper level that needs to be burned and buried. Oh, and there was a leak in the basement which we have been told was filled with epoxy and fixed. But we love the layout, and the lot size is good enough for us and has been well groomed.

The plan now is to low ball them by about 30, 000 and see if they go for it- it was a rental property that the owners now want to offload. It has been on the market for about 59 days now. Part of me is hoping they go for it and I won't have to worry about it anymore. And another part of me hopes we don't get it, and we are forced to gamble on finding the home that is ready for us to just move right into. No fuss, no muss. But that is probably a pipe dream isn't it?

Wish us luck. Because if we don't find something before our September 2nd closing, I may have to move in with you.

Attack of the Telemonsters

Does this sound familiar to you?

“Hi is Mrs _____ there?”

“Who is calling?”

“Is Mrs ____ there?”

“Who is calling?”

“We will call back another time…”

Click.

Just a typical supper hour with the phone ringing; calls from people I don’t know, and don’t want to know. If it isn’t the Weedman, it is the phone company, or a charity which may or may not really exist. Like dust mites and bedbugs, these vermin invade the comfort and privacy of your home, and seem impossible to exterminate. As soon as the caller starts with the Mrs. crap, I know this person has no idea who I am. I never took my husband’s name. Anyone important to me knows that. I cut them off at the sound of my Mother in Law’s name- politely but firmly.

“I am sorry, we don’t take telemarketing calls of any kind; please remove us from your calling list.” And I hang up. But I can only do that when they identify themselves, I try to keep a track of who is calling, that way if I get a second call, I can get nasty sans guilt.

But the annoying fucktard who called me on Saturday with the above script did not identify themselves, and when I did a reverse look up on the number that called me- it of course had little information listed. When I called them back, they never answered their phone- funny that. What gives them the right to call me, refuse to identify themselves, and then hang-up when I won’t play ball? It should not be allowed.

There are things you can do to reduce the amount of phone spam you get, I know, because I used to process a lot of phone lists when I worked as a DBA. I will share with you what I know- and while I can promise a reduction in calls, it will not get rid of them completely.

1) Most legit companies who use telemarketing firms also keep track of who they call, what
the response was and try to remove people from their lists when they express a wish not to be called. Legitimate companies don’t really want to piss off potential customers. Every telemarketing company is required by CRTC rules to keep a "do not call" list (and similar "do not fax" list for faxes). So next time they phone tell them you do not want to be called again, and asked to but put on their do not call list.

2) Register with the CMA . The Do Not Contact Service enables individuals to reduce the number of marketing offers they receive by mail, telephone and fax. Consumers register to have their names removed from marketing lists held by members of the Canadian Marketing Association.

3) The CMA will not run the phone portion of the Do not Contact Service by the end of the year, instead Bell (ugh!) Canada will take over. Canadians will be able to register online, by phone or by fax to be added to the list, entirely free. Once added, telemarketers have 31 days to stop calling, and must refrain from calling for three years.

4) Participate in the Red Dot Campaign. This does not address telemarketers, but their print equivalent- Junk Mail.

5) Finally: when the next telemonster calls do not buy anything from them! The reason why you are interrupted daily by these companies is because it works. Don’t make it work for them. If they call you again, complain in writing to the company, and if they are members, to the CMA as well.

Good Luck!

What is the worst telemarketing experience you have ever had?

Call me crazy

May and June is a really busy time of year for me. My students who are working on the Skills Canada have their big competition early May (we just got back from Waterloo), the Communication Technology ISUs are due, and we start the final preparation for exams in June. In addition, the the two School Board committees I am on all seem to want final documentation and meetings around this time as well. And I have to juggle all these airborne balls with a nineteen month old and a husband who would like to see me from time to time.

But somehow, I have added a new task to my list.

We are selling the house.

Putting it on the market this week in fact.

Holy crap.

That means I have to paint, clean and gut the house, weed and plant, re-arrange and de-clutter and pack up what we can, before this Monday. Because, as the Real Estate Agent tells me, spring is the best time to sell, and there is not much up in our area now. If that weren't enough to consider, once the house goes on the market, I will have to keep it in pristene condition until the house is sold. Not sure how well that will work with the nineteen month old- or the husband for that matter as I am pretty sure that underwear in front of the shower stall will not be a selling feature.

I must be freaking nuts.

Does anyone have any tips to share?

An oldie but a goodie...

Remember this?

Men, how exactly does this do it for you?

I am the kind of person who doesn't care much what curdles your cream- whatever makes you go to your happy place. As long as I don't have to see you do it, as long as no innocent bystanders get hurt: I say fill your boots.

But I have on occasion wondered, how exactly does that work? I watched a documentary while in university about sadomasochistic practices ( it was for Psychology 3050, honest) and I remember watching this one guy, dressed in a diaper and a baby bonnet, being yanked from room to room in a brothel by a chain wrapped around his neck. Occasionally the Mistress used a riding crop to swat his diapered ass and further direct his movements. Now, I thought that was odd. And again, I wondered how it all worked sexually. I never did figure it out.

So today when I heard about Richard Quest I found myself returning to that question. The CNN broadcaster was busted in the wee hours in Central Park yesterday with a rope tied around his neck and genitals. Richard and his friend were approached by Police because they were in the Park after hours. When the police questioned Richard he blurted out helpfully: "I've got some meth in my pocket,". No shit. The resulting search also revealed a sex toy in his boot. Can you say career over?

I am no prude. I think a healthy sex life is good for you. Have at it. Honestly. But this does not strike me as sex really. I don't know what this is.

I can see how porn might turn your crank, I can see how maybe a little role playing might be fun. Sex Toys? Hey, whatever floats your boat. I can even see how some people like to have sex in public places, I don't recommend it, but I can see how people might find it exciting.

But I just don't see what a rope around your neck, and scrotum does for a person. Gentlemen? Care to explain?

Cheers!

It is Friday, and for those of you who are lucky, you will welcome the weekend with friends, family and a drink of your choice. It has been one long week for me, and I do think I will have a drink this evening. Screw the diet. Screw the brain cells.

For those of you who need a little convincing I present this little gem:

He has my sense of humour

This is currently my 19 month old's favourite video. Damn, there is nothing like the Muppets.

Spring has sprung...

Those of you who have pets may be noticing the little guys want to get out more now, and some of the young ones seem rather adamant about it. You may have friction burns on your leg to show for it. It is springtime; the season of love. As the great Robin Williams once said: "Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!' Even flowers are crying out "Oh baby give me your hairy stamen now!"

Ahh but there is a price to be paid for all this fun and frivolity. For those of you who have not spayed or neutered your pets, it could mean little additions to your family in a few short months. So if you don't think you can find a home for all the cute little furballs, it might be best to bring them to the vet. And soon.

Remember it is not just your leg Fido is humping.

If you don't believe me; just get a load of what your cat is doing:

Air Canada reaches new lows

Awhile back I posted about Air Canada's less than stellar service, but a story carried by CBC today just blew all that ranting away.

It appears our national airline had to make a decision between leaving a few pieces of luggage behind, and irritating a few passengers, or leaving a casket behind and devastating an entire family. Air Canada's choice? According to the CBC: " Body bumped from flight to make way for luggage: family"

I will just let that sink in a bit.

Kinda leaves you speechless doesn't it?

Dennis Hamilton died suddenly last week while working in Alberta, and while the news of his death hit the family hard, the phone call telling them his body was bumped in Montreal must have been harder. This profound display of insensitivity was not just an insult to the family, it delayed both the viewing at the funeral home and the funeral service itself.

Of course, Air Canada has no comment. Why would they? They have never taken responsibility for anything before, why start now? And when I think about their announcement last week of their plans to add a fee for customer service, I begin to really understand the term "going postal".

My condolences to the Springdale family, you did nothing to deserve this, and I am so sorry this experience added to your grief.

Eat this Charlie

Today Premier Danny Williams denied suggestions that his government knew about flawed breast cancer test results for about 18 months before the public became aware of problems at a St. John's lab.

"I can tell the people of this province that [neither I nor anyone] in my government under any circumstances would attempt to conceal or prevent the disclosure of information that would affect the health of people in this province," Williams said.

Even though exhibits tabled at the Inquiry showed that the premier's chief of staff and communications director were informed in July 2005.

Makes me sick.

I have two things to say to you Danny boy, two very simple things. If you have to skip a photo op or two to digest this information, so be it:

1) I don't believe you were not informed.
(And even if I were dim enough to accept your denials)
2)It is your job to know.

Ha!

April Fools

I used to be known as a bit of a prankster, I have settled somewhat in recent years, but I had a good run there for awhile. I think the best prank I ever pulled was on a coworker of mine when I worked as a D.B.A. He sat in the cubical next to mine, and we had a pretty odd relationship- we got on well, but we tortured the hell out of each other on a daily basis. It was my goal to prove him wrong on occasion, and it was his goal to see if he could do something to “Break Nadine”- meaning to get me laughing to a point where I couldn’t stop- couldn’t breathe for that matter. Our office wasn’t that large, so when it happened people knew Nadine was broken.

He didn’t have to pull out all the stops either; sometimes it was the sheer incongruity of his statements combined with his impeccable timing. I remember once I was freaking out over a piece of code, trying to get something to run the way I wanted to, and failing each time. Of course Karl could hear me threatening my computer, and cursing the data I was working with. It was probably my lowest point of the day when he popped his head over the divider and asked:

“Historically, which came first, Snoopy as the Red Baron, or the Steve Miller Band?”

It took me a second to actually rip my eyes away from my computer and focus on the nutbar next to me. “What?”

“Historically, which came first, Snoopy as the Red Baron, or the Steve Miller Band?”

“I think it was Snoopy as the Red Baron” I replied, still somewhat confused, and having trouble focusing.

Silence from my colleague. He liked to float the punch lines out slowly, like a balloon rising from the loose grip of a child who is helpless to stop its ascent. And then:

“So you could fly like a Beagle before you could fly like an Eagle?”

And I was toast. All the stress of the day and the complete randomness of his joke just cracked me. It was a while before I caught my breath.

Now there are only so many times a girl can be broken before she starts to plot her revenge. My opportunity came one spring when Karl and his wife took a holiday. I had a plan to do a little redecorating in his cubical. I got permission from the VP and the night before Karl returned, I made my move.

It took 15 boxes of cellophane to complete- but when it was it was done it was a masterpiece.

I started with his pens, pencils, staples, his favorite coffee mug (the one no one else was allowed to use) with coffee still in it, and his little troll dolls on the top of his computer monitor. I wrapped them all, ever so lovingly in cellophane. Then I wrapped his computer, his keyboard, his chair. Nothing on his desk was left unwrapped. Then I wrapped his desk shut, and his cupboard doors and his file cabinet. And then I just wrapped his entire cubical. From top to bottom. It looked like an ice cube in the middle of the office.

When he returned, he was in complete shock at the state of his cubical. He stood there for a few seconds, looked at it, and left.

Then I was in shock.

Where the hell did he go?

It turns out the bugger went home, to get a video camera so he could record it. He had to cut his way into his cubical, and actually seemed to like it in there, all wrapped up in his little plastic product cocoon. The only sound of displeasure that came from him was when he saw his coffee mug wrapped up.

That was my last big prank- I haven’t done anything like that in awhile. Did anyone play any pranks on you today? What is the best prank you have ever seen? Or pulled yourself?